HAVOCMAMA

TRISTAN N















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#191 Death
Thursday, 6 November 2014


It's late at night, I have a morning presentation tomorrow and I just spent the past hour trying to memorise my script. I should be going to bed soon to rest up for class, but my mind is just swimming with too many thoughts. I figured I'd turn to this avenue to try my best to express some of those thoughts, thoughts that need expressing because they are just weighing so heavily on my mind.

❦ 

You see, a friend of mine recently just passed away. Yes, he committed suicide. This is the 3rd person in my life that I know who has taken their life, all 3 guys, all 3 from my secondary school. The thing is, this friend is someone I've known personally since 2003, so it's hitting me the hardest. The news came as a huge shock, because for as long as I've known him, my friend has always been a cheerful guy. That said, we never kept in touch after VJC and I honestly can't remember the last time I saw him.

I am deeply saddened by the news of his death, deeply saddened. Even though we haven't kept in touch, I still consider him as a friend and I'm still struggling to come to terms with the fact that he is gone. My heart aches for his loved ones, especially since he is an only child. The grief in the eyes of his parents is something I hope I never have to see again. Such emotions are very foreign to me, so I apologise if I'm not the best at conveying how I feel. The truth of the matter is, I don't know how to sum up my emotions in one word. It's an amalgamation of shock, confusion, despair and utter disbelief. Why did it happen? How did it happen? When did it start? The questions just keep coming.

Ultimately, I know the answers to any of these questions don't matter. What's important is that I hope he is at peace and that he is happy. I guess actually seeing him today made me move from the stage of shock to the stage where my delayed level of despair starts to set in. I hope you're in a better place and that by some divine intervention you'll be able to receive my message. I choose to remember the happy moments we shared together, because how you left us does not define who you are as a person. I'll always remember you fondly as the cheerful, smiley person I've come to know, a friend so ridiculously intelligent yet with a spirit so kind, you are able to find the patience to help someone as intellectually handicapped as me. It has been an honour and privilege to call you my friend.

R.I.P. T.W

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written at 02:18